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Madison Police Department - Safety Education Program

Suggestions for Parents Concerned about Teaching Children Protective Behaviors

Talking about Strangers

“We can’t scare anyone into feeling safe. Not our Kids, not ourselves” said Peg West.  West established Protective Behaviors, Inc. (PBI) which is now an internationally recognized anti-victimization and empowerment program for all people.  The themes and strategies taught by PBI work very well in most situations, but the “stranger” issue is somewhat unique.

“I know we don’t want our children to go with people they don’t know. I agree that they need to know that it is not a good idea to go with someone (anyone) without the permission of whoever is caring for them at the time. However, it is not a good idea to scare our children about strangers. It may be that when an emergency does arise, the only person who is available to help is a stranger, someone they don’t know.

What if we succeed in scaring our children so much in order to keep them safe that they don’t ask for help and something awful happens as a result? It is very important that we empower our children to get help when they need it, wherever they are, whatever is happening.

This includes approaching someone they don’t know for help if they are scared, hurt or lost. We may not be there when they need us.”

“The first rule of safety” can help. Teach this rule as an absolute/always rule. Before a child goes anywhere with anyone (a stranger or even someone the child knows), whoever is responsible for the child at that time must know the three W’s:

• Where is the child going
• Who the child will be with
• When the child will be back

This rule doesn’t just apply to children; we all need to follow this rule so those who love us don’t have to worry about us.

The balancing message here is if children are scared, hurt or lost, they can go to any adult who is close and ask for help immediately. Children don’t need to be afraid these adults because they did not approach the children; the children are approaching them for help.

The “First Rule of Safety” and empowering children to ask for help if and when they need it avoids all the confusion about “strangers”. Most people we don’t know are very nice and would never hurt us or our children.

People who might abuse children are not usually strangers and strangers who do abuse children usually appear to be very nice people. They easily gain the attention and confidence of children. They don’t look scary or act like a child expects a bad person to look. We don’t want our children to be afraid of strangers because if an enticement attempt is made, the only available help will probably be some other stranger.

Some things You Should Know About Sex Offenders

(Information provided from Probation and Parole Agents)

Q. Are there sex offenders in our neighborhood?

A. Sexual Assault in general is the most under-reported and under-prosecuted crime; many sex offenders live in the community, without anyone’s knowledge other than the victim’s. These offenders include a variety of offense types ranging from incest, rape, and sexual assault of children to lesser offenses such as pandering and soliciting prostitutes. Not all sex offenders can be considered predatory in that they target their victims and devise elaborate plans to get close to them. Approximately 80% of sex offenders are on probation (have not been to prison).

Q. Where do they live?

A. In every community and neighborhood in the country. It is possible for anyone to have a sex offender within his or her own extended family.

Q. What kinds of sex offenders present the highest risk to children?

A. There is no “typical profile” of the sex offender. Very few sexual assaults against   children committed by the kind of offender who gets the media attention: the stranger who commits a surprise attack. Most sexual assaults are committed by persons known by the victim, often members of their own families. Children are also often assaulted by other adults in caretaking or authority relationships such as teachers, friends of the family, babysitters, etc. Parents play a vital role in helping to protect their children by paying attention to the children, friends, activities, etc. and be alert to any indication that the child is uncomfortable being around a certain person.

Q. What is “grooming?”

A. A series of planned actions untaken by a sex offender to establish a trusting relationship with a potential victim. Access to the child becomes unquestioned and is often approved. The efforts may start with befriending the child’s parents or siblings. The child may be taken on recreational activities or given other special “treats” for many months before any physical contact (e.g., back rubs) is made and overt sexual contact may not occur for even longer.

Q. Does imposition of treatment work with sex offenders?

A. In general, sex offender who receives specific forms of sex offender treatment from specialty treatment providers can benefit from such treatment. Studies have shown that appropriately treated sex offenders are less prone to commit new crimes. However, treatment must always include consistent, strict supervision of the offender if they are in a community setting.

Q. What can the community do to protect itself from sexual offenders?

A. The community should take normal precautions that are already being taken. If it becomes known that a particular offender is living in a neighborhood, community block watch groups and citizens should continue to exercise prudent precautionary measures that are usually already underway. If anyone in the neighborhood has questions about a particular known offender, the Division of Probation and Parole will make efforts to be of service to any community, community group, or individual who identifies specific questions or concerns. If anyone has an immediate problem or has information about criminal activity by an offender, police should be immediately contacted.

Q. How can I find out if a particular individual is on supervision for sexual   assault?

A. Call your local Probation and Parole Office during normal business hours. You will need the person’s name, with accurate spelling and, if possible, the date of birth. If you have any questions about an individual sex offender who is on supervision, you may contact the regional office of Probation and Parole for the name of the supervisor and agent familiar with that offender.

For more information on the State of Wisconsin Sex Offender Registry, go to http://www.widocoffenders.org

If you live in Madison, you may be interested in the Madison Police Department Sex Offender Information Page

Because we can’t tell by looking at someone if our children will be safe with that person, it is a good idea to brainstorm with children for some possible responses to situations that could be dangerous. Help children explore their options by asking questions such as:

• “Even if you get lost in a store, who could you ask for help?”

• “Even if some older kids asked you to go to the park with them, what would you do first?”

• “Even if someone you thought was really nice asked you to go somewhere or do something without telling us, what would you do?”

• “Even if you were really cold or wet walking home from school and someone you thought lived down the street offered to give you a ride home, what would you do?”

• “Even if someone in a car asked you for directions and then seemed to be following you, what could you do?” (Turn around and run in the opposite direction to the nearest adult or open business.)

• “Even if a really nice person you don’t asks you to go help them find a lost puppy or kitten, what would you do?”

• “What could you do if someone you didn’t know asked to take pictures of you and we weren’t with you?”

• “Even if someone came to school and told you something bad had happened and you were supposed to go with that person, what could you do to check it out?”

Create the “even if” scenarios appropriate to the children’s age and development level. This proactive problem-solving process helps children be prepared and feel confident in their ability to act for themselves so they are not frozen in fear.

Talking About Touching

Teach children that no one has the right to trick, force or tease anyone into any touching that is uncomfortable, upsetting or confusing. Teach children that they are very special. They have a right to say no or make a fuss if anyone, even someone they know, tries to get them to do something that they feel is wrong or they are just not sure about.

“We all have the right to feel safe all of the time” (Theme 1, PBI). If children have that oh-oh feeling [examples: heart beats faster, stomach has butterflies or feels weird, knees shake or feel weak, etc.], if children feel like something is wrong, they are probably right. They need to hear from you that it is okay for them to talk to you or someone else they trust if they do not feel safe.

Parents need to trust their own instincts. If something just doesn’t feel right, pay attention. Talk to your child about your feelings. Check out any situation that you feel uncomfortable or uncertain about.

Parents need to tell children directly that any kind of touching that they are hurt by or that is uncomfortable, upsetting or confusing to them is not okay. Even if it is a sloppy kiss from Grandma, or too tight hugs from a favorite uncle. Children have a right to refuse those encounters and parents need to support their children when they say no.

Do not use language like “good touch” and “bad touch” when talking to children about touching. If we have labeled sexual touching as “bad touching” when children are young, we may create problems later on from a mental health perspective relative to healthy sexual development. That language misses the mark in that sexual touching doesn’t generally feel “bad” in the way that most young children understand that word.

It is important for parents to talk to children about secrets and tell that children that they don’t have to keep any secret that is uncomfortable, upsetting, or confusing. Children need to be told directly that they never have to keep a secret about a touching problem.

Parents need to help children understand that if saying “no” didn’t work or it wasn’t safe to say “no” to some sort of touching incident, it is never their fault. If someone older or bigger tricks, forces or otherwise entices children into some touching situation that was upsetting, it is never the child’s fault. Tell your children that if anything like this ever happens to them, it would be important to tell you or some other adult the child trusts as soon as possible.

Be Alert

Listen to the children! Watch their behavior.

• Are they suddenly more withdrawn, refusing to go to school or not wanting to be with someone they previously enjoyed being with?

• Are they suddenly unwilling to be left with a babysitter or other caregiver?

• Are they having nightmares?

• Are they regressing? Refusing to talk or wetting himself or herself after being fully toilet trained?

• Do they suddenly seem to have knowledge of sexual language or activity inappropriate to their age?

 Parents need to know what is developmentally appropriate for children’s different ages and stages of development so we don’t misinterpret indicators of abuse.

 All parents do the best job they know how to raise healthy safe children.

• Communicate – listen and share!

• Give children all the physical affection they will let you give them and support children when they set limits on who can touch them and how.

• Encourage adventurousness and risk-taking within the concept of safety.

• Children who know how to stand up for themselves assertively (not aggressively) are less likely to become victims.

Teach children to be respectful of others (others have the right to feel safe with us); however they don’t have to do what some other teen or adult says if they know it is wrong.

Encourage children to talk to you or someone else they trust if something does happen that feels unsafe, upsetting or confusing. “Nothing is so awful we can’t talk to someone about it” (“Theme 2, PBI).

Stay calm and praise children if they come to you with a touching problem or report a problem of this nature to some other trusted adult. Assure children that you will do everything possible to keep them safe.

Teaching children things does not have to create fear and paranoia. Rather, it is empowering when it is handled in a straightforward manner. If you stay calm about these issues, children will remain calm.

Talk with children as young as three or four years old about the First Rule of Safety and about their right to feel safe all of the time. Use every opportunity to discuss with them what they can do to stay safe and healthy at all ages and stages of their development.

For more information about how to teach children protective behaviors personal safety, without creating fear, contact :

Prevent Child Abuse Wisconsin
214 N. Hamilton St.
Madison, WI 53703-2118
608-256-3374
608-256-3378 (fax)
1-800-CHILDREN
pcawi@preventchildabusewi.org

Or contact your child’s school.